La Belle Dame Sans Regrets

Well, I’ve applied for seven (”Yes, I know, but SEVEN!?” – movie trivia for you right there) full-time jobs at state colleges/universities, and not one of them has worked out. The only one which my degree actually worked with went to the woman who’s had an adjunct contract with that department for God knows how long. I was told, “Don’t be surprised if you get a call with a one-year contract. It’s not renewable, but it is full-time.” Unfortunately, the pay is quite literally $20K LESS than what I was making before I got laid off. There’s really no way I can do that, because I cannot imagine what the take-home pay is after medical/dental/vision benefits are taken out, as well as disability (I’m assuming there’s no retirement as it’s less than one year). I can make $6K more/year working my online gig, which has absolutely no benefits/disability/retirement taken out due to the fact that it’s part-time (but yet 40 hours a week).

Since I’m pulling in a decent rate of pay with the online gig and the two adjuncting gigs, I’m just cruising the job ads to see if there’s anything full-time that I am a good fit for. I was notified about a full-time, non-faculty advising position that I would be perfect for … but once again, my degree may not work. It’s exactly $10K more/year than the job my degree matched perfectly, and I can ask for 10% more based upon experience (which I have). Unfortunately, that will still put me at $15K/year less than what I was making before … plus the benefits being taken out. Argh. With the benes being taken out, I’ll be making just slightly more than i would working online (from home! in my jammies!) and with my adjuncting gigs.

But … if I’m offered the job AND I accept it, I can get a FREE PHD. *drool* But can I study when I’m working 40hrs and having to work part-time jobs as well to make up the difference in my salary after all the benefits are taken out?

So you see how I’m driving myself slightly crazy when I’m looking for jobs and trying to justify salaries. What’s worth it? When I work online, I am home with my kids (albeit not completely tuned into them) and I don’t have to pay for gas or laundry for my work clothes. Or lunches out – I can just make some soup at the house (or eat ice cream … nee hee hee!). I can also do laundry or do anything that’s not distracting/loud … like knitting!

The other element is working from home. Right now, I didn’t get a summer class at one university due to them not informing me that my night had changed, which caused a conflict with the other university (which pays about 1/3 the salary! ARGH!). Professionally, I had to stay with the lower-paying gig because I couldn’t just bail on them. So now, I’m just leaving the house one night per week to interact with people. Since I’m quite social and need to interact with people, this is VERY depressing. Luckily, this summer I have the kids to talk to. When they go back to school? Oh, God. The cats will be forced to put on puppet shows or act out soap operas or something. Or I’ll be begging Rich to come home every day and bring me lunch.

So, in the meantime, I’ve been building my online empire. First, I decided to create a niche knitting website called iKnitty.com (go there! click stuff!), which I’ve plugged into Google Adsense and am building up traffic. This was inspired by my girl Mia’s friend, Tim, whose website literally makes him $70K … A MONTH. He also posts about 3x/month at the most. And it’s not one of those “my friend’s brother’s ex-wife’s cousin’s hairdresser’s lover’s old dogwalker’s chiropractor’s receptionist’s son’s 3rd-grade teacher’s veterinarian told me about THIS GUY,” either. His Alexa ranking is ridick, and I have a long way to go, but I’ve pulled in $40 in the past week or so … which is a credit card payment for me! I’ve recently been contacted by a major advertiser for space on my site, so I’m thrilled. I’ve also got two more projects going on over at Miaverse.com (go there! click stuff!), and we’re pretty much modelling the same line of thinking there as well with the AdSense and other SEO thoughts.

I’m going to be an internet marketing whiz if I can keep this crap up.

So, the good news is that the depression is getting better. I’ve never doubted my self-worth, but hell. I’m still gobsmacked by the loyalty (or lack thereof) issue with my old employer. Top that with not getting the full-time gigs I’m interviewing for, and it’s been a rough two months. And I’m not horribly depressed, just fuctioning on a mid-level BLAH, really. I’ve been able to get out and meet friends for lunch and I’ve been showering … promise. I actually took a beach day last week with the girls to celebrate them being out of school, and plan on taking another one this Friday with my girlfriends, too.

So, life is good. Being laid off of my job is a good thing. For the first time in eight whole years, I’m able to spend the summer home with the girls and do fun things with them. I’m not struggling to pay my bills, I’m economizing, and I’m CREATING. I’m developing a line of aromatherapy perfumes to sell on Etsy and Artfire, and also a line of knitted recycled plastic bags to sell. I’m freelancing and have three ongoing gigs doing things I’m good at, like photography and APA documenting and HTML coding. I have to remind myself of those things when I’m bummed out about not having a full-time job with benefits, but luckily those days are getting fewer and farther between.

Thank GOD.

I had my exit interview at my ex full-time job. I was asked to return a laptop bag that I was never issued, and that pissed me off. I also was asked to fill out an interview form, on which they asked, “do you have any grievances against the university at this time?”

OH, YOU BET YOUR SWEET BUPPIES I DO.

So, I named names. I pointed out the fact that this “named” individual admitted to me that I was a “blank slate” to her, but yet she refused to put me back into the position I was originally hired for four years ago based on gossip and negativity. You see, someone went to her when she heard I was looking for a job, and said that I was “gossipy” and that I was “negative on Facebook.” So I called up the woman I named in my form and confronted her. I told her that HER BOSS, my boss, my former bosses, and other managers were my friends on Facebook … and none of them had any issues with said “negativity.”  In the conversation I had with her, I said, “I would just like to mention that you’re not refusing to move me back into your department because you’ve been told I’m gossipy and negative … based on two people who are being gossipy and negative?”

That’s right. I was blacklisted from my old department by someone that I indirectly (and UNINTENTIONALLY) got into trouble … 18 months prior to my layoff. The manager stated that the department was so low on morale, that she just couldn’t risk bringing “someone like [me]” into the mix. I went to her boss, who is someone that I respected and was friends with BUT was brand-new to the job (and his promotion). He told me that he deferred to her 100%, because … and I quote … “she knows where all the bodies are buried.” No luck there. Seeking out other departments and degrees, I was told “YES – I would love to have you come teach this class!” – but my degree did not meet accreditation requirements once the processes began. The only place I could teach was the department that I’d received months and months of 97%+ student critiques from, and 4.5 (out of a score of 5) on my employee reviews … but because I got a manager and a department employee in trouble EIGHTEEN MONTHS PRIOR and UNINTENTIONALLY, I couldn’t work there.

I finally got the stomach to clean out one of my boxes yesterday. I kept all of the thank-you cards that you get when you receive a 95% score or better from your student critiques. I have handfuls of them. HANDFULS. I also have a letter of commendation from the President of Education in my personnel file, as well as others from previous managers. I’m still incredulous that this has happened.

However, I’m still optimistic. For the last two years, I worked too much. Politics (and a metaphorical punch to the gut) aside at the university, I know my value and my worth. I’m dedicated beyond reproach, unflinchingly constant, and accurate beyond belief. While I’m completely freaking out in regard to how I’m going to pay my bills (and the fact that COBRA is $761 per month, should I choose to elect it), I’m hoping that I’ll be able to find something that will not only allow me to work less and actually take a vacation but also keep me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed.

I’m still pissed off. I’m glad I named names in my exit interview. I know that not much will be done about it – if anything! – but I’m glad that I wrote it all out.

Next Friday is my last day at my job. I’m disappointed, but I’m not angry and will leave with my head high and dignity intact. I’ve instructed my team that there will be NO going-away anythings, as I do terribly with those. The good news is that I can hang out with them outside of work as they’re good people and good friends. I’m meant to be somewhere, and wherever that is, I will be fine.

I’m waiting on no less than SEVEN (yes, seven) full-time gigs to come to fruition. I watched them close one by one, and I interviewed for one of them. That one gave me conflicting start dates, but is also $20K less than what I’m making now. UGH. Another emailed and said that I did not get an interview, but they wanted to convey that if “none of the interviews works out, [they] will call one or more of the applicants in for an interview.” It’s like saying, “Yeah. I really want HIM to ask me to prom, but it’s not looking very likely. Just hang on. If he doesn’t ask me, I’ll call you, OK?” Sigh. Well, the good news is that I’m an awesome interview. In lecture, I’m dynamic, engaging, witty, fun, and passionate … and I interview exactly the same way. I’m now caught in the question of, “I know I’m a dedicated, hardworking, ethical employee … but do I appear that way on paper/email?”

I suppose that after calculating the weekly income I am getting at my current job, there is a sobering reality that I won’t be able to cover bills. I’m already getting rid of the water service and have dropped Netflix to the bare minimum … and am even considering (GASP!) dumping my World of Warcraft account. However, even getting one freelancing gig a month will pay for that, so hold your horses. I haven’t done it yet. That would be very depressing to give up. There are other areas of my life that are on the chopping block, like kung fu. Now, that would send me into a tailspin emotionally. I even thought about asking to clean the place once a month for tuition exchange. Wow. That’s pretty sobering.

I did land another part-time adjuncting gig, but it’s only two hours a week and I’m capped at 29 hours per week. I know. Two hours a week doesn’t sound like it’s even worth the drive, but the rate of pay is very good and it’s doing something that I love (and that I excel at). I really enjoy my students and the prep work is minimal because everything is planned out for me ahead of time. Yay! My other adjuncting gig is truly a family. Very in-touch, and I LOVE MY DEAN. He was promoted recently, and it is so well-deserved. Truly. I’m thrilled to see him being recognized because his love and appreciation for his faculty, staff, and (most importantly) his students is apparent in every single thing that he does. I strive to have people see that in me.

I’m also freelancing, and it’s a blast. The pay for many of the freelancing sites is abysmal at best, but I’m doing work that I really enjoy and am building a freelancing portfolio that will (hopefully) help pay the bills. For the month of May, I plan on writing, writing, and writing, and…

…KNITTING. I’ve created two patterns that I am going to create shawls from and list on Etsy. I hope to make some money off of them … PRONTO!

Well, then. As I got word that my position was being eliminated, I had a horrible, terrible sense of foreboding.

I’m a bit psychic (ten points if you can recall which now-defunct popular TV show that’s from). When I get a weird feeling in my gut, I tend to listen to it because it’s generally right on. This one, however, I certainly did NOT want to listen to. Everyone assured me, “Don’t worry. They don’t let quality people go from here.” Unfortunately, I might be one of those odd cases. Or, I’m just not quality enough.

My main issue is my bizarre degree. OK, it’s not bizarre, but it’s also not normal. Definitely not a dime-a-dozen, but unfortunately a bit more obscure than some employers would like. I went into the field because that was where I was working and where I wanted to stay. Unfortunately, there were no full-time positions available, so I left my field. I’m not exactly English, and then I’m not exactly Education. I’m from the College of Arts and Sciences, which is the same college as English, but when I first got my degree many moons ago I was turned away from a few English adjuncting positions because they felt I didn’t have enough grad hours in English. I have a few – English Grammar, Reading. A few others I cannot recall off of the top of my head exist. I’ve been seeking out departments I would love to work for; it seems that others have rolled up their welcome mats. There’s a need for my expertise for certain, but there’s also a hiring freeze. So I am hopeful that I can stay, retain my benefits and 401K, and work with the individuals that I’ve come to know and love over the past four years.

As the days pass and the opportunities dry up (read: my degree gets kicked out of department after department), I’ve turned to other colleges and universities. My resume has gotten around more than a a drunken coed at a frat party. I have applied for two full-time professorship positions; one is a longer shot than the other, but both I have a pretty good chance at.

I haven’t interviewed in four years. The reality is sobering.

As I have applied for more positions, I suddenly pulled my head out of the “full-time gig” sandbox. Spitting out rocks, I began to understand that NOT having a full-time job is not the end of the world. Yes, benefits and paid vacations and paid sick days are fantastic, but…

…I can make a lot more adjuncting and freelancing than I can being stuck behind a desk for 40 hours per week.

THAT is my new reality. Sure, I’m not going to turn down a full-time gig if it’s offered. It’s security, unless the pay is much less than what I’m used to. However, I’m not afraid of the adjuncting and the independent work anymore. While talking to my life advisor and good friend the other day, I understood that I need to think less and listen more. I’m an over-thinker. I’m a worst-case analyzer. I’ve already gone through all of my monthly expenditures and have written down which activities/luxuries will be getting the axe. I’m looking at my car and anticipating which repairs will be next and trying to figure out how I’m going to afford new brakes before I get laid off. The girls needs braces. Madeleine needs her wisdom teeth pulled. The association fees need to be paid. OH, MY GOD, HOW ARE WE GOING TO AFFORD ALL OF THIS WHEN WE LOSE MY SALARY?

But we will. And we’ll probably have more as I spread my skills out after I have cast my wider net. I discovered that putting the girls and myself on Rich’s health insurance will be roughly the same cost per month that I was already paying. I don’t lose 10% of my paycheck to my 401K anymore. Paid vacation? Nice, but guess what? I’ve taken one day in the past 18 months … and the other 9 didn’t even roll over and I lost them last year. I tried to take a vacation day last June, but wound up having to take my best friend with me to a graduation and THEN attempt to do our full-day adventure in only a few hours. I’ve taken one sick day in the past five years. ONE. One! In FIVE YEARS. In the grand scheme of things, it appears that I’m one of those people who has to lose her vacation days in order to actually take a damned vacation.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that in the past few years, I haven’t wanted anything. I’ve understood the concept of living more frugally and not running to the BCBG stores to get the latest dresses. The sweaters and dresses I have in my closet are barely worn, and it’s not like I’ve lost enough weight to warrant a new wardrobe or anything. I’ve gotten the most amazingly hip OP shirts at WalMart for $5. BCBG launched a line at WalMart (of all places) and some sweaters are strikingly similar to the ones I have in my closet (albeit polyester/acrylic rather than cotton and wool from their couture lines). I’ve cut my grocery bill in half by shopping at Aldi for frozen foods and the basics. I wanted rosebushes for the backyard, and paid $3 for each two-year-old rosebush rather than $15 or $20 each at Lowe’s. I’m blessed in that in my maturity, I’m discovering that I have everything that I need (and then some), and am happy not to buy into consumerism anymore.

So, my lesson is to remove linear thinking from my consciousness and understand that the prescribed (and therefore desired) method of employment is full-time, company car, expenditure account, gas card, a secretary and executive assistant, 401K and profit sharing, two weeks paid vacation and one week paid sick leave, bonuses and gifts is not the only way to be employed. I want more time with my family. I have put in 10-12 hour days for six to seven days per week for the past 18 months. I haven’t taken a real vacation in nearly two years. I sit in front of a laptop on Microsoft Word, attempting to catch up but never quite succeeding as I play the role of Bad Cop. I’m glad for a change and I hope to be able to not only be able to create great things that will help more people than I ever imagined, but that I also get to slow the hell down for once.

Full time, part time… I will do amazing work in either, but I’m not afraid anymore. Bring it on!

Happy 2010, pumpkins. As I enter this new decade, I’m quite excited about the new possibilities that lay before me professionally and artistically. I’m also frustrated in other areas; the good news is that they’re not interpersonal. I feel like I’m having to stifle much of my creative flow due to my efforts at work and also being volunteered for things (yes, things that I could have said “no” to, but many of which would have been detrimental to either myself, my job, or my daughters … and I’ll leave it at that, OK?).

One thing I vow to do this year is to stock up on film for my cameras (35mm, 120, and 127) and go on some photo journeys. One place I’ve sworn to shoot is the Ringling Museum in Sarasota. With the addition of my new TLR Blackbird,fly camera, I just have too many lenses to create with. Me overworking myself is ensuring that I do not take those journeys. So last Fall, I attempted to de-schedule myself. While my hours on the TOEFL and the TOEIC decreased, my other hours increased. Some months were worse than others. I thought that losing students each month, I would have more and more time to relax and breathe. Nope. I’m now teaching an online class and writing a documentation guide for the entire university. I became a faculty advisor for a student group. I was so inspired by that, I began a charity…

…and so it goes.

So, where’s the lomo website I was going to start? You know, the one I have a domain and hosting and a Facebook page and a Twitter for? Where’s my master-level knowledge of my SLR and all of the fantastic lenses I was gifted? Where are the prints from my new toy and vintage cameras that I was so thrilled to purchase? It’s the 14th, and yet this is the first blog post that I have made, even though I was a two-post-a-day’er in the distant past.

The only thing that I’ve done is become a DVR genius. I got it at the end of August, and I am on that like hair on soap. Yeah. I don’t miss a thing. I can knit and watch all the Doctor Who and Torchwood I can handle in a single sitting. Add some Secret Diary of a Call Girl and The IT Crowd from Channel 4, and my life is complete. OK, not in all the ways I want, but I have to not look at the things I’m NOT doing and be satisfied with what I AM doing. The other things that I haven’t done yet? Well, it appears that I have an ongoing to-do list. Hey – at least it’s a fun to-do list and doesn’t involve folding laundry or anything.

Our family dog is dying. I believe he’s had a series of strokes, and now is neurologically “not right.” He has very little balance and falls a lot. His eyes twitch discordantly, which shows that he’s dizzy and cannot focus, a good reason for his lack of balance. He has a neuro consult tomorrow, and if they cannot help him I want him put down. It’s inhumane for him to live like that – he vomits a little and won’t eat, probably because he’s got vertigo just being still. Poor baby. He’s ten years old, which is at the end of the Boxer lifespan (usually 9-11 years). He’s had multiple tumours cut out and was diagnosed with skin cancer, and was given 1 year to 18 months … that was almost four years ago. He’s a great dog, and I just don’t want for him to suffer.

God forbid one of the cats will go next … they’re seniors as well at 5, 11, and 15 years. My babies.

Madeleine is starting tech school at the end of the month, and I can’t believe it. Already a junior in high school? I’m sorry. I AM NOT THAT OLD. Give me a break. I’m completely incredulous. I was just pregnant with her, for crap’s sake. Not. Possible. At. All. Jeez. I’m not old enough to have a kid in middle school… Come on.

Today I was surprised to find that it was in the 50s. I didn’t even need a sweater today. We’ve burned hundreds of pounds of oak that’s on our property, and I’m loving it. I have thoroughly enjoyed the hard freezes and the threats of snow. I have had some adverse effects on my sinuses from the dry air, but luckily have avoided any illness. Yesssss! The rest of the family has done the same, and I’m thrilled. I hope that it stays nice and chilly because I’m loving my hand-knit scarves and hats and jackets and BCBG sweaters and jeans and boots. I even wore my mink coat this holiday season!

In other news, Rich may be starting his master’s degree at UCF. I’m really proud of him. He’s poo-poohed the idea of an MBA, but they’ve offered a real estate-based MS that’s associated with their MBA. It would be great to cultivate a new skill and also create a new source of income. So, say prayers for the puppy and that things fall into place for the master’s degree, which I think is a great idea.

thanks.